Will Our Love Last?

May 1, 2000
Quietly disputing the "men are from Mars" theory, psychologist Hamburg argues that the key to a satisfying marriage lies in choosing the right partner based on compatibility in three areas: on a practical level, sexually and in "wavelength." His thoughtful explanation of why he believes mutual understanding is more important in marriage than communication or hard work is illustrated with examples from his own practice and peppered with questions aimed at helping readers assess their compatibility with their partners. Among the practical considerations he discusses are attitudes about earning and spending money, maintaining a household, managing leisure time and dealing with family members. The section on sexuality surveys sexual style, interest and comfort level, while the "wavelength dimension" covers values, aspirations and spiritual orientation. Hamburg does not suggest that each person find a clone; he simply emphasizes the importance of assessing the ways in which a potential partner conforms with or differs from oneself. While his notion of "optimizing" a relationship has a slightly academic ring, he also recommends some offbeat exercises, such as a series of hand-rotations designed to help partners define compatibility. He also offers straight-up traditional wisdom that's often overlooked in the throes of attraction: get to know a potential partner in a variety of circumstances, get rid of partners who project bad vibes or present unpleasant situations. Writing in an amiably paternal, workmanlike style, Hamburg proffers realistic and sensible advice. Agent, Candice Fuhrman.